Follow the voice of the universe

Something that I learnt from long time ago: If you don't know what you want, just keep looking and it will find you. It's amazing how this works, almost by magic. I started trying to make small steps.

First thing that I've always wanted to do... get involved in a charity job. Not fund raising money or asking for money in a street (you know these guys who are rather aggressive in starting a conversation) but actually doing something that I enjoyed for free.

I started browsing the internet finding mostly the work I cannot do (full-time) or don't want to do. And then I found a tiny ad about helping organising networking events for young entrepreneurs and I signed up. I had my first event and I loved it.  Not far after that, I picked up Richard Branson's biography that I had never have a chance to read. And I think that something broke in me. I just realised how much I want to give away my great secure job in a huge bureaucratic corporate monster. How much I want to do the things that make any difference in my life and other people lives. I'm currently negotiating with a rather loud voice of sensibility trying to convince me that secure ways are always better. Shush! As I like saying, now or never.

You are only a human

One knee surgery and 2 colds. All of them happened to me at the last 2 weeks. More than enough to spend a significant amount of time in bed blaming myself for being such a puny. A lot of people at my work don't stay in bed. No matter how much they're sick, they come to work, spread the sickness around, passing it to the people like me, and they probably feel very good about themselves. I'm not like them and this makes me feel bad about myself. I'm only a human, not a super human, and the only way to deal with this is to accept this fact. If I feel slow, I need to go slow. When I feel fast, I need to speed it up. The true harmony comes to those who know how to listen to their bodies and to go with a flow.

One, two, three, start

- It's not a cult, - I was trying to sound as convincing as I could but my husband completely ignored me. Marco believes in science and any "soul-healing psychological bullshit" makes him very suspicious.

I like to believe that the 3-day course that I took wasn't a getaway to a cult. It was more like... a series of psychological exercises  that helped me to figure out what parts of my soul need a bit of attention. 

I was worried about Marco. I didn't want him to be worried about me. In fact, even if he was right and this was a cult, a pragmatic and stubborn part of me won't let me get  into it. Believing.... fully, completely and without a doubt, is not my strongest side. I have some serious trust issues and I find it extremely hard to open up to barely known people. 

There was an exercise in the training when I had to blindly follow people's instructions in order to complete a mathematical puzzle. I'm rubbish in maths and I really thought that listening to people's command would be the only way to complete it. I was sitting on the floor with a task to remove 8 cocktail straws from a square shaped figure in order to form two squares that don't touch.

 I heard people's commands that didn't mean anything to me and made me feel like a stupid robot who was meant to follow these commands without processing them. Then I shut my ears, I told everyone to shut up. I looked at the rules once again and decided to break them. I completed the task with the answer that no one had in mind but which still fitted the rules. It was non mathematical but really creative and elegant.

The facilitators didn't approve such behavior. They said that I didn't allow people to support me and even though, my behavior identifies my as a strong leader, it is making my life more complicated that it should be.  Quite a surprising answer. I didn't really expect them to encourage "fitting in" by discouraging "original thinking".

There were other things that I found extremely useful. One of them was the realization of how much I'm afraid to be denied by others. It came as a real revelation and I promised to myself to do a bit of work in this area. First of all, the main person who shouldn't deny myself is me.

So, with all good and all bad things about this training, including Marco's skeptical look, it was a good refreshing experience that reminded me about all exciting things that are far away from my comfortable little world. Today, I made a decision to step up and to try all those crazy things that seem either impossible or scary. I'm starting my journey of discovery now and I am totally ready to enjoy it.